You can’t demand love; you have to earn that. You have to walk carefully and let the relationships grow.” Sandy, whose stepchildren come to visit every summer, also felt it was important that she be herself. “I was never mean, but I was never too nice,” she says. “I tried to truly reflect how I was feeling. Sometimes I would play with my stepsons, but when I didn’t feel like it, I wouldn’t fake it. They got it, and so I learned it was okay to be me. I was so worried. But they want me to be me if I’m mad or sad or happy.
They want to know the real me, not some paper-doll image of me. I’ve always tried to be myself. It’s so tiring to be that nice, sweet lady all the time.” Her dedication to being herself paid off. Now that her stepsons are teenagers, she has a positive relationship with them both. But don’t expect your stepchildren to take on the responsibility of asking you about your life.
As I got to know my own stepchildren, I let details about my life slip in as we talked about things we had in common. Because I have two stepfamilies that are still together after more than two decades of marriage, I introduced my stepchildren to my families. They welcomed the kids with open arms and demonstrated for them what having a binuclear family looks like.
When I’m in a bad mood, I try to let them know I’ve had a long day and I’m tired so they don’t take my behavior personally. If you are a stepmother who is always on, always defensively combating the wicked-stepmother myth, you rob yourself of real relationships with your stepkids.
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