As Heidi, the former family law attorney, found out when she first moved in with her four stepchildren, it was exhausting for her to be at her best all the time. “As I got to know the kids better and they got to know me better, we were able to have downtime together,” she recalls. “At first I was always ‘on’ with them. I was attentive. I felt like I had to actively take care of them. Now I can be home with them and they can do something other than what I am doing.”
As they all relaxed into their relationships, Heidi found out she needed to let the kids get to know her as much as she worked on learning about them. Now, one of her favorite things to do is to sit around the kitchen table after the kids have come home from school. They all have a snack and each person talks about their day—including Heidi.
Cosette also worked hard to open up to her stepchildren and step grand children. “I consciously tried to be real with them,” she says. She often passes along the lessons she’s learned to other stepmothers she sees as a marriage and family therapist. “I find a huge mistake people make is when people get married and then immediately try to exert their authority.
You can get them to mind you, but the way you win out in the end is when they know who you are and they respect you. They might even grow to love and appreciate you and that’s where your power comes from.
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